Author: zpotter

Pap was drunk the entire week after Gram died, right up to her funeral. He didn’t leave the cemetery shed for anything. He and Santiago Holmes sat there drinking Jack and Buds with Santiago leaving every now and then to tend to some piece of maintenance in the cemetery or to restock their supply.

“I’d go out to the store around 5pm and get us the necessary supplies to get through the night,” Santiago told me not too long after Pap passed, “we needed a bottle of Jack and two racks of Buds and maybe a package of hot dogs to heat up on the grill.

“I thought I knew from drinking, but Pap, man, he could pack it away. And it didn’t mess with him. He stayed steady. If anything, the steel in his eyes hardened, but he kept quiet, to himself. We didn’t say two words any of those nights. I think that’s why he let me hang around with him; I knew how to keep quiet.

“We’d sit in the shed, Pap in that beat up rocker he kept there and me on a bucket, and we’d put ‘em back and watch the sun go down over the trees. We’d sip ‘em slow letting the icy coldness of the beer cool the burn of the whiskey on our throats.

“Around 8pm, I’d grill up the dogs. I never had to force the food on Pap. I think he knew it’s what she would have wanted. That was the great thing about him: he did for himself, but he always took your Gram’s wishes into consideration. You could learn a lot from that.

“At some point, Pap would end up falling asleep in the rocker. It wasn’t much of a surprise as he’d been putting them away all day. I’d head up to the apartment and have a nightcap before turning in. When I came down in the mornings, Pap would be sitting in the rocker with a Bud, rocking back and forth nice and easy. We wouldn’t say anything, and I’d head out to get the early chores done.

“I wasn’t upset for a second about the extra work I had to do that week. Some men might’ve gotten a hair over their ass about having to put in the extra time, or effort, not me. Death is death, and everyone dies, and it isn’t worth getting yourself tied up in knots about, but your Gram, she was the wind in Pap’s sails. She kept him on course. A better woman hasn’t been placed on this earth, though your mama comes close. It does take time to grieve a woman like your Gram. I don’t know that your Pap ever came to terms with her passing. He was always a little off-balance, more ornery, a little meaner without enjoying it after she went.

“He was mad at the world and tried to fight the whole damn place to ease his rage at her passing. We all know how that battle turns out,” he said, shaking his head, his eyes going off somewhere only he could see.

I was so young at the time I interrupted with a question about how the battle turned out.

“You can’t fight the world,” he replied, “or at least, you can’t fight it and expect the outcome to be favorable. Life is going to move on as it moves on, and this world of people, places and things is not going to bend to the will of one individual.

“So you got dealt a bad hand, or you got hurt, or something didn’t go how you wanted it to go, maybe someone died, that is life, and this world doesn’t care. Some people in it, like your Gram, might try to lift you up, but the world is going to keep turning, whether you’re up or not. Life goes on. You can’t rage against the world. You’ll wear yourself and just make yourself angrier.

“Believe me, I’ve been fighting everything and everyone since I was 18. Pap was the one who gave me a chance, but I didn’t much listen, I just kept roaring at the world, pushing against it, resisting, and look at me now. I’ve got next to nothing. For all the fighting I’ve done, I’m still just a lousy drunk.

“You can put all this negative ‘woe is me’ energy out there into the world, and fight everything you think is a wrong or a slight, but it’s never going to fill that hole inside of you that you’re trying to tape over with the anger.”

Seeing the confusion on my face, Santiago tried to simplify his point.

“Would you run head first into a concrete wall?” he asked.

“No.”

“Well, saying you did, would you do it over and over again to try and bring the wall down?”

“No, that’s stupid. You’d knock yourself out.”

“Right, that’s what fighting the world is like.”

“And you’re saying Pap fought the world?”

“He tried to.”

“How?”

“He had been grumbling to me for years about how the Mt. Hope Cemetery Committee needed to stop people planting flags next to the stones of their loved ones on Memorial Day. They’d get caught up in the cord on the trimmers and were a real pain in the ass. 

“Well, he had enough, and he started writing the committee every week about it. They’d didn’t write back, call or acknowledge him in any way, but he just kept on writing them.”

“He did not.”

“He did. Did you know that when your Gram got her first diagnosis, he wrote to her doctors each week, and to specialists across the country, asking what else could be done, and were they doing enough? He’d read about something in some old magazine and ask why they weren’t trying that. He’d call them on the phone and tell them they were failing and promise to write to the Board of Health to have their licenses taken away.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“That’s fine, you don’t have to, but it’s true. He raged against these things that either didn’t matter or were beyond his control. That’s why losing your Gram hurt him so much; she balanced him out. 

“She also took pleasure in his getting worked up. When he’d go off on one of his rants, or do something to put a burr in the side of members of the community – such as hiring me – your Gram would smile and encourage him, because she knew it gave him some small sliver of joy.

“She loved him, and he loved her back somethin’ fierce. Pap knew just what she did and what she meant to him. You might have thought he was just some ornery old man, who didn’t love anyone, but he was whip smart. He knew had a good woman, and he loved her.

“When we got to the seventh day of drinking, the night before your Gram was to be buried, Pap set out to dig the plot. I went with him, but I was just along to carry tools and the cooler.

“Pap was as determined as I’ve ever seen a man. It was going on midnight when we set out. He’d been at it with the Buds since breakfast, but you couldn’t tell by looking at him. Most men would have been falling over themselves, but Pap seemed to have grown. 

“I’d always known him to be powerful, but a little hunched in on himself. As we walked down to the plot, he stood straight and tall, even under the weight of the plywood stencil we used to mark the plot.

“You know this already, but he had picked out a beautiful spot for her, right in the shade of those pines, looking out on the river. The night had cleared and the sliver of moon cut a shimmering path across the water and up to her stone. You couldn’t have asked for a better place for a soul to rest and look out on the world, at least if you believe in the spirit looking on from the afterlife and that sort of nonsense.

“What you don’t know is Pap dug that hole himself. By hand. He edged around the stencil, cut the sod into squares and removed each one as gentle as thought it were an egg in his hand. Then he set to diggin’.

“It was a perfect night for the work, no so cool’s you needed a coat, but the heat not oppressive either. There was a nice breeze coming with the moonlight up from the river. I was worried there wouldn’t be enough light to dig, but the moon was giving off just enough. It didn’t matter, Pap had dug so many, he could have done the work blindfolded.

“He was a strong man your Pap. Country strong, the muscle built through good hard work. He didn’t say a word the entire time we were out there, just set to the job and worked like a machine, shovelful after shovelful flying from the hole landing in a perfect pile on the uphill side of the plot. 

“I tried to help, but there was a sad firmness in his eyes that said ‘no,’ this was his job and he was the only one who could do it. It wasn’t worthy of the tractor and it certainly wasn’t worthy of a slob like me. I did what I do best and leaned on my shovel and made sure the beer didn’t get warm.

“I’m sure it sounds like what people expect of me when I sat I stood there drinking beer while Pap dug that hole, but there was nothin’ for it. I was in awe watching Pap assault that hole, sinking further into the earth with each shovelful of dirt.

“They don’t make ‘em like Pap anymore, that kind of hardness, that loves the work and embraces the challenge of doing something physical. The shovel looked so small in his hands, and the power, whether out of rage at your Gram’s passing or just from the years of working the cemetery, the dirt flew fast in an unwavering rhythm.“That’s the thing no one can find today, the rhythm of the work. They don’t see the music of it. Pap found it that night and the dirt sang from the hole. In no time, he was tamping down the sides, making the edges perfect for her.

Gram died when I was 11, almost 12. That’s a weird age for death. On the one hand, I understood she was dead and gone, and I felt sadness, but more because I’d lost something, or maybe because it’s what I thought was expected of me. 

On the other hand, I was too young to realize how much would be missing from my life because of her passing: the stories, the history, and the love. That’s what I should have been mourning. Santiago Holmes used to say, “you don’t know what you don’t know.” It took me a long time to understand what it meant.

From nowhere, Gram was diagnosed with lung cancer. She hadn’t smoked a cigarette in my lifetime, and when I asked Ma, she said she’d never known her to smoke. 

Gram did love to cook. Not too long ago I read an article saying smoke from cooking was now being linked to lung cancer. Sometimes it feels like there’s inherent risk in everything, no matter how mundane. Gram was an excellent cook. I can still taste her Bolognese.

Her death was a long drawn out affair. Eight months in, the diagnosis was terminal. Nine after that the cancer was in remission. Four months later it was back. Two months after that she was gone.

Watching her decline was more difficult than her actual death. She cooked until she could no longer hold her wooden spoon. It had eaten away at her figure. By then she was little more than a pale sheet stretched over tiny bones.

Pap couldn’t stand to see her this way, so he found frequent excuses to spend more time in the cemetery shed. Sometimes I would walk over hoping for a ride in the backhoe and I’d hear him talking to himself, pleading, “please don’t take her. I will do better. I’ll do anything you ask of me. I can change myself, but I can’t live without her.”

I’d turn as quiet as I could, somehow knowing this was not something I was supposed to see, and head back to the house where I’d find gram and give her a big hug. I didn’t say a word to her about what I’d seen.

Still, I think Gram knew Pap would struggle without her. Gram always knew. When I came in from the shed, she’d squeezed me even harder than normal, like she had before her strength was stolen.

Ma did what she always did when things were difficult, she turned in on herself and worked harder, as though the work could stop the inevitable. There was more determination in her movements and not a single one was wasted. She continued to work two jobs, but she also started cooking and dinner and she carved out time to take Gram to appointments and treatments. I never saw her shed a tear or ask why this was happening Ma just kept going.

Gram passed in the evening, while I was sleeping. When I woke the next day Ma came in to tell me the news. I can still see the sadness hanging about her face. For as much as she worked, she was smiling most of the time, but that morning, the hurt tugged at the corners of her eyes and tears pooled, but she wouldn’t let them fall. They made her eyes shine in the sunlight.

The night before we’d been to visit her in the hospital. Her condition had deteriorated, but the doctors were continuing to treat her as though she had some time left. I missed her around the cottage, so I was excited at the opportunity to see her.

Pap, who hated hospitals, hadn’t left her beside since she’d been admitted. He’d left Santiago in charge of the cemetery, hoping for the best. He was waiting in her room when we arrived.

“She’s been taken out for a procedure,” he said, with a glance at my mother that meant something I was too young to understand – they’d found a middle ground in Gram’s illness and were speaking in civil terms to one another, “she should be back soon.”

“How was she feeling?” Ma asked.

“No better, no worse. I think she’s ready.”

“They think she’s close.”

“They haven’t said it in so many words, but she has the look.”

“I can imagine. Are you?”

“Is anybody ever?”

“I suppose you’re right. Can we sit with you and wait? He wants to see her.”

“Yeah, that’ll be fine. It shouldn’t be long now.”

The normal harshness had left Pap’s voice, replaced by a heavy sadness. His chin quivered as he spoke to Ma, and I think he was fighting back tears. I wasn’t sure how to act, having never seen such vulnerability in Pap before.

I followed Ma’s lead and we sat in silence with Pap for half-an-hour, but Gram didn’t return. I had a queasy emptiness in my stomach making me feel hungry and sick at the same time. My stomach made a noise, and as it was close to dinnertime, Ma told Pap we’d head home to put dinner on.

We’d just exited the elevator and were headed towards the door when a set of swinging doors opened and Gram was wheeled through on a hospital bed.

The bed and the sheets were white as was the gown she wore. She was so pale from the toll the cancer was exacting it was tough to tell where she stopped and the bed began. 

She was moving fast as the nurse pushing the bed appeared to be racing to catch the elevator we had just left. Time slowed down for a moment as Gram raised a weak hand to us, and attempted a smile, though it was difficult to see with the oxygen mask covering her face.And then she was gone. Whisked away down the hall towards the elevators. Ma handed me the keys and told me to wait in the car before running down the hall after her. It was the last I saw Gram. It is burned into my brain forever

Ma raised me on her own. She had some help from Gram and Pap. More Gram than Pap. Pap didn’t much interest in me until I could work. In fact, he told me on my first of work, “Now, you’re interesting.” That was also the year Gram died.

Ma was tough like Pap. She refused to take charity from anyone, so when she was 19 and I was born, she gave up her plans for college and took a job as a teller at the Berwick Trust. She was already a bartender at the Berwick Tavern. She’d been a server for three years before the promotion. After I was born she continued to work three to four nights a week as she felt she couldn’t give up the money. Some nights when she left for the Tavern I’d see Gram shake her head and mutter, “That’s where it all started” as the door closed behind Ma.

I’d ask Ma why she kept working the two jobs, even after she’d been promoted to head teller and was making enough to care for both of us and chip in quite a bit to Gram and Pap.

“You never know what might happen. There may be an emergency of some sort; Pap or Gram might get sick and we might need the extra money. It’s always good to have a back-up plan.”

If Pap was around he’d pipe up with disdain, “or any plan at all. Remember the Five Ps.” This was one of Pap’s favorite slogans: preparation prevents piss poor performance.

Gram would shush him, but not before a look of anger would flash across Ma’s face. “I also do it because I enjoy it,” Ma said.

I think she did like the job, and I know we needed the money, but I think she also liked the attention she received behind the bar and the escape it provided from Gram and Pap’s house. 

It was never spoken of in my presence, but you could feel the rooms of the small house were thick with it in the early years of my life. My birth was a cause of some contention between Ma and Pap. Gram loved me, but the tension between Ma and Pap sat heavy in the air. 

Pap thought I was a parasite or some sort of infectious disease. Whenever possible, he would steer clear of me. If by some chance we were in the same room together, he might upgrade my status to that of a dog by asking me to “fetch a Bud from the fridge” for him. When I’d left the room, I could hear him talking to himself about “the planet’s overcrowded enough without another mouth that can’t feed or do for itself.”

I suspect another reason Ma worked two jobs was so she wouldn’t have to accept anything from my grandparents, who didn’t have much. They lived in the caretaker’s cottage next to the cemetery. That was the biggest part of Pap’s pay: the rent-free housing. Gram didn’t work. She volunteered at the library and the church.

Ma also had a point to prove. Neither one of my grandparents was pleased when I came along – Ma being just 19 at the time – though Gram got over it the fastest, telling Ma, “this is a great thing, we will get through it together.” Pap, harder to please and more upright in his sense of what was proper – despite his rebellious streak – was a different story.

He’d take any opportunity to poke at Ma about my birth. Pap was irate when he found out Ma was pregnant, his anger increasing when she wouldn’t tell him who the father was. Over the years I heard the hint of rumors throughout town, but by the time I understood what they were, Ma had squashed most of them.

She worked two jobs to prove to Pap we could make it without his help. I think she succeeded. By the time I went to work for him in the cemetery, Ma was paying all the utility bills, car payments for both her and Gram and Pap’s cars, all the groceries and whatever other upkeep was required around the house.

It’s easy to see now how much like him she was, though she’d never admit it. Her stubbornness came from him, as did her rigidity and sense of what was proper. I’ve tried to point it out to her, now that I’m older, but she always steers the conversation in a different direction.

Because she worked the two jobs and was caring for me the rest of the time, Ma never had time to go out with friends or go out on dates. I think that’s why she liked the attention working at the bar brought. She needed to interact outside of the stuffy environment of the bank and the cottage. The bar kept her feeling young and in touch with her friends. Everyone in Berwick spent a night or two at the Tavern, unless they were regulars at the Tortoise.